CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN

Homo Sapiens is a bisexual primate. We're designed to perform certain sexual and social roles. Woman is the mother, caring for the being she carried for nine months in the womb. Man is the seed distributor, making sure the tribe has enough population to continue. Artificial lures such as clothing have only come into play fairly recently, and as younger and younger females don more seductive clothes incidents occur that to me forget our primary biological roles. I blame American Apparel and Juicy Coutre. American Apparel has been cited several times for its abuse of female employees, once notably by the Village Voice, whose back page is graced weekly by seemingly stoned, underage and foreign models. Their CEO has been investigated for his abuse of young girls several times. Yet this company prospers despite all its anti-female stance. Juicy Couture has been keeping a low profile lately, but their Juicy emblem and suggestive mottos have adorned many a pre-teen shirt in recent years. I distinctly remember a young Asian girl with ironing board straight hair and ironing board figure coming over to my stand wearing a tee shirt that said "Juicy one hour ride". That shirt left little to my imagination, and like most American males I have a lot of imagination. Let me postulate something. I work near Columbia University, so I see a lot of young, hyper sexual kids. A guy picks up a girl in a bar, and one of the reasons is that she's wearing a shirt with that slogan on it. They start making out and nature takes its course. At what point can things have gone too far for a simple stop to work? Greater minds than mine have asked that question, and I'm not going to attempt to answer it here. I've discussed the tribal usage of shirts, the ever present CBGBs, Che and Abersrombie and Fitch shirts, or the Hollisters, how they give kids a sense of belonging. To what, one might ask. A brand name? THAT'S what we want to belong to? I sold my soul, I'm a company whore. Men buy women what clothes they'd like to take off them, while women dress for other women. I learned that lesson in Bergdorf Goodman a long time ago, and don't think it'll ever change. But there are a couple of things I'll never figure out. I realize Pink has become an anti-breast cancer rallying cry, but have any of these women ever tried to find out what Pink means? For a long time it was a slang expression for the female reproductive system,at least until AC/DC came up with "Sink The Pink". Tell that to one of these girls wearing it on their shirt or their pants and you're libel to get a black eye. It goes with the original meaning(s) of punk, which I'll let you figure out on your own, and then enlighten you in my next blog. Speaking of pink, when did the female rear end become an advertising sight. It takes little for most males to look at a woman's rear, and when there's something emblazoned across it, well...! Workout clothes in various shades never seen in nature have something to do with it also, though some of these women running around in sweats should be required to have either Goodyear or Wide Load emblazoned on their pants, and backup beeps ala trucks. For some reason I've never noticed guys wearing these things. If I'm wrong please tell me. But kindly. I'm of a delicate nature.

YEAST, STUDENTS AND OTHER SEMI-SENTINENTS

I've been under the weather lately. It's a weird one, no temperature, lots of coughing and sneezing along with a heavy lassitude that's made it hard for me to even think about typing. But a man's got to do what...so...
In the strange world of the SCA what people do for fun might not have anything to do with anything else in their life. For those who don't know the Society For Creative Anachorims are those people who dress up as medievalists and create the Middle Ages the way they should have been-no disease, no poverty, no dirt. SCA co-founder Poul Anderson's "High Crusade" cover featured a group of knights marching into a spaceship in full armor including swords. Unless they're Lt. Sulu, what exactly are they going to do with those things? Use them for spits if they run out?
Luiji Kapaj and I haver been arguing over the biological classification of yeast. It's a plant, says I. It's an animal, both he and others of the Silver Horde maintain. I checked Wikipedia, and asked members of the Godddard Center and am pleased to find I'm right. That'll make up for the rake I gulped, mistaking the clear liquid Lou handed me for a glass of water. Rake, it seems, is distilled alcohol, and the three fingers I gulped might have been eighty proof. My eyes shot open and spun around, I gasped for water, and wondered why everybody at the table was looking at me. You SIP rake, v-v-e-e-r-r-y slowly. Now I know.
Lou's a master brewer. Well, actually he's a fighter. One thing he's not is a drinker. Yet his mead's (honey wine) are prized around the realm, and I've tried Raspberry, Strawberry, Lemon and others. His son Puppi's' is just as good, and I've tried a chocolate cordial that's the equal of any regular brewing house.If he ever wanted to change specialties...
Columbia had its Bachnacel this past Saturday. All that really means is that the kids do during the day what they usually wait until the evening to do. Kids were walking around all covered in paint and totally plastered at nine AM.Some tried to get into one of the restaurants and were to9ld they couldn't come in all paint covered, and only a few complained. I channeled me inner Jim Morrison for this one: Pagan ritual adorns the day
a flourish of trumpets, flash of color behind the dunes
Painted bodies dance the avenue, eying their opposites,
Tonight there will be great matings
And the robberies go on. Secret service agents do to Colombian hookers what they do to us all the time, and the papers freak. Meanwhile the Espada's manage to rack up $126,000 in overtime and the head of the GSA gets put on leave and still manages to keep his $175,000 salary. Too all those bank robbers and corner stick up men, you set your sights too low!

JANIS IAN & OTHER SUPERSTARS

Those of us of a certain age probably remember "Society's Child", a pseudo-pretentious piece of doggerel pushed by that shameless self-promoter Leonard Bernstein. She hadn't crossed my mind until I read a comment in the 400th issue of Record Collector that she'd pop out of a cake for the 500th.Has anybody really listened to the song. I mean, really listened? She's copping out by saying she's only "Society's Child." If she really felt anything for her friend (acquaintance, lyric prop, whatever) she'd rip off his clothes and take him on the floor. Ah, but I knew so many Jewish girls like Janis, once upon a time.
An ongoing theme here has been Al Sharpton. Recently Stanley Crouch stated in his Daily News column that he now could consider Sharpton a "true leader". Me, I'm waiting for him to show up at the bedside og f one of those cops shot by an African-American with a rap sheet longer than Al is wide, or to say something about the new Black Panthers putting bounties on people's heads. But I'm barking up the wrong political tree (or something like that)

CUSTOMER SERVICE AND OTHER MYTHICAL CREATURES

Things don't always happen the way we'd like them to, otherwise most of this would have been published a couple of days ago. We've got more on "customer service", illegal mind boggling and moms from Hell. I will try to leave you laughing, or at least smiling.
May 31st my internet went down. (their fault, not mine) As with the phone company and other "public utilities" it's amazing how slow they are to respond to your request for service but how quick they can shut you off for late payment. I had a friend whose cable TV was going to be turned off for seventy-five cents. I told him he should have either paid in pennies or with a check made out on a rock (perfectly legal if there are sufficient funds to cover it.)
My eyeglass problem has been solved thanks to a small store on Second Avenue between Twenty-Fifth and Twenty-Fourth Street. While I never got any satisfaction from Cohen's Vision Center (they never even answered my letter) or another Columbia area optometrist, this gentleman understood that some of us wear glasses to see, and charged me only forty nine dollars for the frames. Ever notice the promises the big chains make when they move into a community and what happens when they get rid of the small guys? Me too.
When I mentioned illegal mind boggling I wasn't talking about the drugs we consumed back in the sixties. Instead I was referring to a group of Manhattan and Queens car wash employees who hired a lawyer to sue their employer for unpaid wages as they were paid less than minimum. Usually I'd back any employees doing this, but this leaves an incredibly bad taste in my mouth, as the employees I'm talking about are all illegals. Points for sheer brass balls, but I want to know what's going to happen if these guys win. Do they intend to pay the government back taxes. Ship these guys back to Mexico and their employer back to India. The illegal here is our increasingly put upon national symbol.
Bill Cosby once told an unruly child-I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it and make another just like you. He's got nothing on the Uptown Mommies I've been observing lately. Strollers are likely to be used as traffic indicators, with the helpless child pushed out into the street to see if there are any oncoming vehicles. If the child's still there, they cross. We've got two great parks blocks from where I work, but mothers still insist on letting their children scooter among the bicycles and pedestrians on Broadway. When one child fell off his scooter I chastised the mother for not having the child wear a helmet. I was bluntly told to mind my own business. None of these women can compete with the twenty-ish something hippie mom talking away on her cell while her son tugged at her dress to get her attention. Failing to, he reached into her grocery bag, pulled out an apple, "cleaned" it in a dirty puddle and took a big bite out of it. While I wanted to tell her, I figured if her couldn't get her attention, how could I.
Sometimes New York papers can read like the Enguirer. While they'll never reach the heights of"Headless Body Found In Topless Bar" the resent "City Lost My Sister's Brain" comes close, right?

MOMMIE DEAREST AND OTHER NEW YORK CREATURES

After spending a good part of my working day watching Columbia kids walk around staring at I-phones and other electronic gizmos I finally figured out what they're all reading. It's a set of instructions-left foot, right foot, repeat. Don't forget to breath while you're walking."
A couple of blogs ago I spoke of mind-boggling. Turns out I hadn't seen anything yet. A group of illegals working in New York area car washes are planning to sue the firm's owner because they're working for less than minimum wage. They're going to hire an attorney and going through all legal motions. What I (an lots of others) would like to know is, are they going to pay back taxes? What part of illegal don't they understand?
Bill Cosby used to have a skit where he chastised an unruly child by saying-I'll disown you and make another just like you. Wonder what he'd do with modern mothers, some of whom make "Mommie Dearest" look like Mother Of The Year. I've watched mothers (and fathers) dangle their children over subway tracks.Strollers are used to check for oncoming traffic as mothers edge out into the streets.If the stroller isn't swept away by traffic it's okay to cross.
I wonder if some of these mothers are mentally ready to have kids. Riverside and Central Park are mere blocks away, yet these mothers let their children race strollers up and down the street with little regard for pedestrians. When I told one mother whose child took a header on a stroller that she should have been wearing a helmet I was told to "mind my own business". I have cleaned up language for the sensibilities of my audience.
Place of honor has to go to the